Understanding and Healing Your Attachment Style Type: A Journey towards Emotional Well-being

Why are my unhealthy relationship tendencies so hard to overcome? How do I establish healthier relationship behaviours?

Relationships can be one the most rewarding component of human life, however, they can often be the most challenging component as well. They require us to navigate conflict, consistently compromise, and effectively communicate – all of which aren’t simple tasks, even for those who have a secure attachment style.

For this reason, when we have an attachment style other than secure, another layer of difficulty comes into play. One where your established cognitions and behaviours are unhelpful to forming healthy, long-lasting relationships. For example, you may often find yourself anxious about your partner abandoning you, or overanalyzing why they didn’t tell you they loved you this morning, ultimately leading you to believe they’re planning on breaking up with you.

Conversely, you may be pushing your partner away, unable to rely on others for your emotional needs, unable to trust others or be vulnerable. Similarly, you may fear rejection, and find yourself acting hot and cold to your partner, sometimes craving closeness but other times being frightened of the risk it entails. These are just a few examples of the consequences of possessing an unhealthy attachment style. Therefore, learning how to improve your attachment security will directly benefit your relationships. 

Note – If the term “attachment style” is new to you, check our blog on attachment styles and their role in relationships. We cover what each of the four entails, as well as the importance of attachment styles and how they develop. 

For those who have established their attachment style, you may now be wondering, how do you overcome them? In order to begin healing your attachment style, it’s important to understand what is maintaining it – as it’s these factors that make it so difficult to overcome unhealthy relationship tendencies. But before we dive into this, here’s a reminder of the four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

What is maintaining my unhealthy attachment style?

You’ll notice that there is a pattern, a closed loop, to the maintenance cycle of all the attachment styles:

Negative core beliefs → emotional dysregulation → poor decision making → social adversity that reinforces the negative core beliefs.

However, the type of cognitions, emotions, and behaviours detailing this cycle differ between attachment styles. 

Anxious Attachment

This attachment style originates from negative core beliefs surrounding the notion that “I am unlovable” and “I will always be abandoned”. These thoughts lead to emotional dysregulation: perhaps the intensity of the fear you feel has you unsure of how to manage it.

Consequently, poor decisions are made, you choose to compromise your sense of self and stay in a toxic relationship in order to lessen the fear you so intensely feel.

These poor choices lead to social adversity, your sense of self is destroyed due to staying in a toxic relationship. Ultimately closing the maintenance loop for anxious attachments as the adversity reinforces your negative beliefs tied to being unlovable.

Avoidant Attachment 

This attachment style originates from negative core beliefs surrounding the notion that “I can’t trust anyone” and “I have to do it all on my own”. These thoughts lead to emotional dysregulation. Perhaps you opt to chronically suppress your emotions and shut down in relationships. Then, poor decisions are made, you reject support from others. The poor choices lead to social adversity, you suffer alone, behind closed doors, unable to learn how to trust others. Ultimately closing the maintenance loop for avoidant attachments as the adversity reinforces your negative beliefs tied with low trust in others. 

Disorganized Attachment 

This attachment style originates from negative core beliefs surrounding the notion that love is closely tied with fear, and despite craving closeness, you cannot rely on others. These thoughts lead to emotional dysregulation, perhaps finding yourself bouncing back and forth between emotional disclosure and suppression because of your fear. As a result, poor decisions are made, you end relationships when emotional intimacy begins to form. The poor choices lead to social adversity, consistently forming unfulfilling short-lived relationships. Ultimately closing the maintenance loop for disorganized attachments as the adversity reinforces your negative beliefs in avoiding emotional intimacy. 

Healing your attachment style type

The maintenance cycle of the attachment styles mirrors each other as does the healing process for the three. They all involve first identifying the factors that created and reinforced each attachment style. For example, in terms of a disorganized attachment style, you may ask yourself how has love been linked with fear for you in the past.

Next, it’s important to make note of the habitual thoughts, emotions, and behaviours that make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships. For example, an avoidant attachment style makes it difficult to be vulnerable and open, so the resultant behaviour you may notice yourself doing is never allowing your partner to become too close to you. 

Following the making of this list, you can now start retraining your brain by reframing your negative thoughts.

Healing from unhealthy attachment styles

Anxious Attachment

Healing from an anxious attachment style involves establishing new emotion regulation strategies that aid in claiming your nervous system. For example, mindfulness. You should also begin to prioritize yourself. This can be done by setting boundaries (we have a blog that helps in highlighting how you can do so!). You should let go of those who do not respect your worth or do not treat you well. Rather, aim to form relationships with people who are emotionally available and inclined to grow with you. 

Another muscle you need to strengthen is that of self-compassion. Ironically, you should treat yourself how you’d like others to. Imagine the way a loving, nurturing parent would treat their child, that should be how you treat yourself. 

Lastly, engaging in activities that foster a sense of independence, competence, and self-trust.  

Avoidant Attachment 

Healing from an avoidant attachment style involves learning how to identify and express your emotions and needs, rather than suppressing them. You should also strive to slowly work towards depending more on others. Big leaps are not needed, but consider taking small social risks to slowly build a trust muscle over time. Reminding yourself you are safe as you begin to open up to others. 

Fostering compassion for others is an important skill you need to strengthen. Try perspective-taking in order to better understand others’ positions, emotions, and needs.

Lastly, allow yourself to ask for help. Build up the courage to be comfortable doing so. This gives people an opportunity to show up for you, support you, and connect with you. 

Disorganized Attachment 

The fourth step for this attachment style is rather than running away from emotional intimacy, learn how to communicate your discomfort, and be willing to lean into closeness. After all, what happened in the past is not always destined to repeat itself. Allow yourself to feel safe around those who show they care for you. 

It’s also important to ensure you are consistently showing up for the other person, as past experiences often dictate avoidant behaviour with this attachment style. 

Another muscle you need to strengthen is that of self-compassion. Ironically, you should treat yourself how you’d like others to. Imagine the way a loving, nurturing parent would treat their child, that should be how you treat yourself. 

How Better Days can help!

As you can see, healing attachment styles require a lot of effort and self-work from the individual – but it’s possible. The trick is, only you have the capacity to change it for yourself. That being said, you don’t have to undergo this process alone. Therapy can be a helpful tool during this process. In addition to holding you accountable and providing insight, therapists are equipped to help guide you in establishing healthier relationship tendencies. 

At Better Days Counselling & Psychotherapy, we offer a wide range of services tailored specifically to address attachment styles and relationships. We offer free consultations and are happy to help. We encourage you to pick up the phone and call, or email our clinic – whether to set up a consultation, schedule an appointment, or simply learn about our services. Let us help you gain the skills to form healthier relationships, ultimately helping you live a better, more healthy life.

Reach us at info@betterdaystherapy.com or (289) 818-5195.

Co-Author: Angelica Saragosa