Setting Healthy Boundaries: The Secret to Inner Peace and Empowered Living
What are boundaries?
We’ve all been there… our boss asked us to work overtime or expected a task from you that is not your responsibility …. and yet you obliged. But you don’t want to, and you believe it was wrong of yourself to. Or perhaps you RSVP’d yes to an event you’d rather have said no to. That you knew was gonna be full of people who leave you feeling drained. So why’d you do it?
Boundaries is a term that has recently become commonly thrown around in the media, between friends, and in professional settings. However, the importance of setting healthy boundaries was not as mainstream 20 years ago as it is today. Our guardians and other role models may have not appropriately modeled or reinforced them as a result. Notably, Gen Z and Millennials are the generations who most value the topic and as such we chose to talk about it this week.
So what are boundaries? Simply put, boundaries allow us to respect our needs, set realistic expectations, and model how others should treat us. They are a form of self-care and self-love that are often overlooked due to bosses, relationships, and even ourselves – especially those who like to people-please.
Oftentimes people struggle to recognize whether they have weak boundaries. And this is to no fault of their own, as perhaps you grew up in an environment where you didn’t see people setting them, or yours were not respected. Consequently, setting boundaries becomes extremely uncomfortable. But the good news is, with practice, your brain becomes better at allowing you to establish and reinforce your own boundaries.
However, before we jump into the forms of boundaries and how to set them, we figure sharing some common signs that you need stronger boundaries might be helpful.
What are some signs I need stronger boundaries?
You take on more things than you can handle
You struggle to share your opinion on topics that matter to you
You have trouble making decisions for yourself
You overextend yourself to support others, resulting in leaving no energy for your own needs
You commonly find yourself in situations that don’t matter to you, or that deplete your energy
You struggle to communicate your needs and expectations
You find yourself breaking promises made to yourself
You find yourself feeling resentful because you cannot say “no” to things you don’t actually want to do
You act passive to others who disrespect your values
If any of these points ring a bell… you need to start setting stronger boundaries for yourself. Now we know that’s easier said than done, so we’ve broken up boundaries into 6 different types, and thrown in a couple examples as to how to model each form. It’s important to note that each type is as valuable as the others, and in order to fully reap the benefits of healthy boundaries, you should be covering every type.
6 Types of Boundaries
Physical Boundaries
This entails who you’re comfortable allowing in your personal space, who can touch you, how close others can get to you, and what you choose to go into your body (ie. food/drink).
Healthy physical boundaries can sound like:
I’m not comfortable with you touching me like that, please stop
I’m not comfortable with you being this close to me, can you please take a step back
I am not drinking tonight, but thanks for the offer
Please don’t express what you think I should eat, I understand you have good intentions but I can take care of myself
Please ask my permission to go into my room when you need something
2. Emotional Boundaries
This entails the capacity to which you take on other’s emotional burdens, how often you engage in triggering topics, and separating yourself from your feelings.
Healthy emotional boundaries can sound like:
I’m uncomfortable with this topic of discussion, let’s switch to another
I would like to support you but I unfortunately am overwhelmed with the amount on my own plate right now
If you continue to be disrespectful I will leave this conversation
I appreciate you giving me time alone when I ask or am upset
3. Communication Boundaries
This entails the manner to which you allow others to speak to you, how you speak to yourself, and how you speak to others.
Healthy communication boundaries can sound like:
Please refrain from telling me I am overreacting, or am being too sensitive, it is counterproductive and makes me feel dismissed
I am feeling you're being demeaning towards me, and would appreciate a shift in tone otherwise this conversation will end
I understand you have good intentions but I am making this choice on my own
I appreciate you offering your experience, but am comfortable that things will turn out differently for me
I don’t feel ready to speak about this personal matter, I’d rather keep it private
4. Mental Boundaries
This entails allowing yourself to have personal thoughts, beliefs, and opinions that contrast others. Essentially, being comfortable with others disagreeing with you.
Healthy mental boundaries can sound like:
We don’t have to agree
I respect your view but I don’t agree with it
I hear you but we will have to agree to disagree on this topic
You cannot convince me that my stance is wrong on this topic and ours is right, just as I cannot persuade you to feel the same
It’s okay to not agree on this, but I still require respect from you when speaking to me
5. Time Boundaries
This entails the amount of time you opt to spend with people, the standard you hold others to respect your time (tardiness, asking for favors etc.), and the amount of time you allow yourself to spend on tasks.
Healthy time boundaries can sound like:
I can call but only for 10 minutes
Please let me know in the future when you’re running late
I enjoyed having you over and catching up but I have an early day tomorrow and need to get to bed
I can only lend my help for one hour
I appreciate the invite but feel I need some alone time tonight, I’m happy to make plans for another time!
6. Relationship Boundaries
This entails how you allow others to treat you, how they can act around you, and what they can expect from you.
Healthy relationship boundaries can sound like:
I’m not comfortable with you sharing my private matters with your friends, please respect my privacy on these topics
I cannot read your mind, I’d appreciate you clearly stating your expectations and needs in the future
I’d appreciate if we attempted to resolve this now rather than leaving it unresolved, it will only harbor resentment between us otherwise
After a workday I need 20 minutes on my own to rest and recharge
How Better Days Can Help!
Hopefully this breakdown and examples can inspire you to start establishing healthy boundary-setting habits; the aim is always for others and yourself to respect and uphold your boundaries. Therapy is a great tool to help you understand personal barriers that make boundaries difficult. Oftentimes therapists would aid you in strengthening skills related to self-empowerment and assertiveness. They also aim to teach you healthy coping patterns to manage the discomfort that setting boundaries entails.
For more information on counseling services for boundary setting please contact us. We offer free consultations and are eager to help. We encourage you to send us an email or give us a call– whether to set up a consultation, schedule an appointment, or simply learn about our services. Let us help you gain the skills to set healthy boundaries, ultimately help you live a better, more healthy life.
