Moving On After A Breakup

Why is this breakup hurting so much? How do I get over this breakup?

Dealing with a breakup is a painful process, but it doesn't have to break you. Take time to heal, focus on self-care, and remember that with every ending comes an opportunity for a new beginning.

So you’re in what feels like the trenches-perhaps having Taylor Swift on repeat, stalking your ex’s socials, either unable to get out of bed or endlessly finding distractions at bars with others. Whatever the poison you’ve chosen, the overarching notion holds true- breakups are terrible.

Whether you’ve been broken up with and dealing with rejection and mourning, or the person who ended it and facing guilt on top of sadness- you’ve lost someone. Someone you deeply cared for, maybe someone you even perceived as the one.

Now you’re here. Seemingly alone. Beginning this all too familiar process of having to move on. Only this time you clicked this article, because this time feels different? Because you can’t believe you’re here again? Because it feels as though you will never be able to get over this person? Whatever the reason, you need a reminder, some light at the end of the tunnel, that you truly can, and will, be able to get over it. Because you can, and will, be able to get over it.

Breakups hitting harder in your 20’s and 30’s?

Unfortunately, as you may have begun to realize, breakups can get harder with age. As there’s much more riding on having successful relationships; you’re looking for a long-term commitment, someone to share a life with. Evidently, breakups at this stage in life carry an especially ugly taste of failure.

You’re not alone in feeling this way. You’re also living in the day of age where you have access to their life 24/7. Social media has created yet another complex layer to your breakup. You’re not only running into them at your gym, bars, and local supermarket- but their life, friends, and face is appearing on your timeline.

So how do you feel better? How do you actually move on in a world where reminders of them are everywhere? Fortunately, there is good news… we’ve consulted the pros and luckily there is science that can be applied here. Here are our 7 tips to help you get over your breakup.

7 Tips For Getting Over a Breakup

1.Take time apart: The 6-Month Rule

Breakups can be one-sided or amicable, either way, spending time apart is always helpful. Of course, the time it takes to get over a breakup varies, but a rule of thumb is 6 months. Enter the 6-month rule: Avoid all forms of communication and contact for 6 months to heal from a breakup.

This time should be used to reconnect with yourself, reflect on your values, and discover what characteristics you’re looking for in future patterns. This time apart is especially helpful in ensuring you and your ex are not a source of emotional support to one another as this carries significant risk to prolonging the anguished of the breakup.

2.Be patient and follow yourself to grieve the loss

Going through a breakup can certainly be a traumatic experience. In fact, the grief associated with the loss of a partner from a breakup and from death are similar experiences. It has been found that there are overlapping bereavement symptoms in these contexts. As you can then expect, grief has no time limit. It varies from person to person, context to context. Grieving a loss is a lengthy process that you’re not alone in. Allow yourself the proper time to process the breakup, and be patient with yourself as you heal.

3. Prioritize yourself though effective self-care

We alluded to the fact that breakups suck for both parties. People who’ve been broken up with commonly experience depression, low self-esteem, and rumination and those who did the breaking up commonly experience the social costs of appearing cruel or heartless. Obviously, breakups entail a wide scope of negative emotions, including feeling sad, confused, and scared. Hence, self-care is crucial.

One example of how to practice self-care can be to plan to do an activity every day that brings you joy. The activity can very well be a simple, low-effort one, such as taking a walk or reading a few chapters of a novel. Another example of practicing self-care is getting back to the basics: get good sleep, eat healthy, and be physically active. As well, lean on your social circle or find community groups to help you feel supported (in-person or online!).

4. Write about it

Research back up that writing about the good aspects of the breakup will aid in producing more positive emotions surrounding the relationship’s end. Doing so helps cognitive processing and reframing the breakup to highlight the benefits it has for you. Writing will help elicit positive emotions such as confidence, optimism, comfort, relief, and satisfaction.

Some example prompts to help you begin the writing process are:

• What aspects of myself did I neglect during the relationship?

• How can I care for these neglected aspects again?

• What benefits did this breakup provide?

5. Avoid rumination

Don’t get us wrong- it’s helpful and healthy, to talk to someone you trust about your breakup. Doing so allows you to process what has happened better. However-ruminating about the breakup and the associated negative thoughts repeatedly is harmful. The latter forces you to feel you’re re-experiencing the memory over and over again. Eventually causing exhaustion, which will negatively affect your mental health. Therefore, when you catch yourself ruminating, try to find distractions. It’s usually helpful to find distractions in the activities and people that uplift you.

Some strategies to uplift yourself are trying out a new hobby (painting, cooking, playing an instrument), watching a show you enjoy, going on a nature walk, listening to music, etc.

6. Follow healthy social media practices

We know- easier said than done right? But avoiding social outlets that you know will remind you of your ex will significantly improve the process of the breakup. In most cases, asking yourself to avoid social media is unrealistic, so we propose to make an effort to unfollow/block/mute your ex and their close friends to avoid reminders. Seeing them will only be a painful experience and carries the risk of prompting you to reach out again.

If you find yourself still visiting their accounts after unfollowing them, ask yourself, “What is seeing their social accomplishing?” or “How do I feel during, and after looking through their socials?”

7. Seek help from the right people

Breakups are a completely valid, and common reason to see a therapist. In fact, there are therapists who specialize in processing the grief from breakups. They can be helpful to kickstart the re-discovery of yourself we mentioned earlier that often is required when people feel they’ve lost themselves in their relationship.

Therapy strives to replace unhealthy coping strategies with positive, or neutral, ones; addressing depression and anxiety; and working with you on a post-breakup plan. Our clinic offers free consultations and we are eager to help. We encourage you to send us an email or leave us a voicemail- whether to set up a consultation or simply learn about our services. Let us help you process this info@betterdaystherapy.com or (289) 818-5195.